so in case you were thinking to yourself, "oh that emma...i wish she would just do something cool and stop complaining about the world..." you now can see for yourself that i definitely did something cool. "il y a une raison" is french for "there is a reason." now, if you're like some of my best friends, you are probably shocked AND awed that i would get such a tattoo, due to my strong belief that there is no god. well, friends, i will tell you the same thing i told those lovely naysayers: "reason" is not a codeword for "god"! there is a reason for everything i do and there is a reason for everything that happens. not that a higher being decided to make things occur as such but i believe in a certain amount of causality in this world and said causality is unavoidable. it is what keeps me going when i feel as if my work is pointless. it is what reminds me why i do what i do. it is what brings the people i encounter, both amazing and unsatisfactory, into my life. it is my goals, it is my inspiration, it is my life in one sentence. "il y a une raison." and if you don't like it...then that's fine, because i just love it, love it, love it. :)
(and no, it didn't hurt...and no, you cannot tell my mom)
ink'd,
emma
my experiences here at yoonie, thus far, have driven me to the conclusion that the "real world" sucks. anyway.I woke up today at 6:30 am so that I could shower and get ready for my 8 am anthropology class. However, before I got ready for the day, I planned it out. Here was the plan:8-9:15. Anthropology9:15-11. Dorm, Anthropology HW11-12. Mind Body Fitness12-12:30. Lunch12:30-2. Lang, get mac fixed & International Relations HW2-3:15. International Relations3:15-5. Dorm, take a nap5-whenever. Finish two online p.e. wellness modules Read Anthropology Math homework Read ch. 2 Mass CommSLEEP. and of course, i finished little to none of the above x.hardcore.x plan. I did make it to all of my classes (almost on time), grabbed lunch from Dashes, and I did bring my mac to Lang to get it fixed. Unfortunately for me, the mac is still in a state of disrepair and the weather outside is, well, frightful. So after International Relations, I made it back to Lang and haven't been brave enough to go outside since. My intentions were that I would go back to the 424 right after IR but due to my mac's teenage angst, I have to pick it up at 9 pm. And so I sit, procrastinating and searching desperately for something to do. now i know what you're thinking, "do your homework?" but the homework is remaining untouched for two reasons. one) it's all in my dorm room. & two) without a desperate urgency attached to the aforementioned H.dub, i've very little interest in completing it.procrastination, as defined by m-w.com: "to put off intentionally and habitually"procrastination, as defined by the authority on the word (me): "to knowingly avoid being productive unless facing impending doom upon the incompletion of an act"i almost wish i had the will-power to do schoolwork but let's face it, if i did, i'd never get anything done for speech...like right now, i'm all about the ADS.in other news,i'm highly concerned that this weekend of freedom, which has been the light at the end of this dark, villainous, tunnel is going to fall through. i had intended to go back to suburbia for the boyf's birthday but as it turns out, i don't have a car. i would like a car, however, and if you ever find yourself wanting to buy me a gift...a car would be nice. but i digress, the point is: this weekend i want to have uncontrollable amounts of fun. now i'm mildly certain that you're wondering why i've been in a dark, villainous tunnel (after all, my last post was happy & precious) as of late. and well, it has much to do with she-who-must-not-be-named. this past weekend i attended a tournament in illinois with her and she went from trying to be my bff, v, to most likely to bitch about me. which is fine, but a little difficult to deal with when there is no true escape from the situation. luckily, i found solace in loitering outside of the baymont inn. i've resolved to focus on the good as best as i can because, as she made it abundantly clear last night, she is not going anywhere. sad but true, so i'll just cope and remind myself that she is only one, the many are nothing like her.(on a brighter note, i know what the next two tattoos i get will look like. for shore.)trapped in the now,emma
word.so okay. due to the fact that i may one day soon return to my bitter self, i want everyone to know that this is me happy.at 1:03 am on january 21st, 2008- i am content. thanks,emma
"appreciate the caring people who surround you."will do.a little less teenage angst, a little more college "i.don't.give.a.fuck.",emma
this blog needs a disclaimer: i'm really fucking pissed. proceed with caution because i don't care who reads or who knows, this is me ranting.i'm so tired of the bullshit. i'm tired of of people who say one thing and do another. i'm tired of people who assume that just because they have a title that they automatically deserve respect. well, respect has to be earned and lying to people is not the way to get it. antagonizing those around you and attempting to manipulate the people who, if life were working as it should, would respect your title is what gains you the hatred of which i currently feel for you. you remind me of this girl that i grew up with who can proudly say she single-handedly ruined my childhood. due to proximity, i felt obligated to be her friend but forcing myself to like her resulted in her having the ability to manipulate me and that is exactly what you are trying to do. well fuck you, everyone knows you're a liar and that you're irresponsible. you cannot blame your faults on others because unlike my neighbor, you've already been discovered for who you really are. so don't go around blaming your faults on others- i don't care how good of an actress you think, or maybe you truly, are, i don't buy any of it for one minute.so stop calling.stop pretending to be my friend.quit trying to get me to love you.stop talking about being my facebook friend.don't ever speak negatively about someone who i care about and the follow it with 'but this is just between you and me, of course'.because nothing is 'just between you and me' .there is you and there is me. let me be me and i will deal with you in my own way that i deem least likely to result in the loss of all of my sanity.you'll be gone soon, but not soon enough. this might be excessively negative, and i might be overreacting. but you have had so many chances, and you have fucked up so many times. you have said so many things, and i'm tired of listening to your lies.irate,emma
right now, this life i've got going is just too much. i'm trying to rationalize everything and figure out exactly how i can balance it all but i feel surrounded by impossibility. i came back to school full of hope for a better semester with less upset and drama but it seems as though i might have signed up for significantly more than i can handle. i want so much to be able to do it all but i feel defeated before it's even begun. the idea that i have to get four new events (possibly three) COMPETITION READY by this saturday is suffocating. the thought that my resolution to include un-speechable friends in my day-to-day life is becoming less and less possible (as a result of aforementioned suffocating) makes me feel like a liar. the fact that i'm starting all new classes this week, though it's the same as every other semester of my educational career, reinforces my lifestyle of constantly fighting an uphill, unending battle that i am always wanting to escape from.
my nails are bitten, cigarettes are smoked, and confidence is shaken.
but nails grow back, more cigarettes can be purchased, and confidence can be reinstated. so, i just have to get through this week and then perhaps i'll pull my head out of my ass. but in the meantime, fuck.
not entirely giving up,
emma
i caucused for the first time tonight.
i'm now a committee member for my precinct and an alternative delegate for Barack Obama.
hey. speaking of Barack Obama....HE WON IOWA!
politically active,
emma
