too much.

right now, this life i've got going is just too much. i'm trying to rationalize everything and figure out exactly how i can balance it all but i feel surrounded by impossibility. i came back to school full of hope for a better semester with less upset and drama but it seems as though i might have signed up for significantly more than i can handle. i want so much to be able to do it all but i feel defeated before it's even begun. the idea that i have to get four new events (possibly three) COMPETITION READY by this saturday is suffocating. the thought that my resolution to include un-speechable friends in my day-to-day life is becoming less and less possible (as a result of aforementioned suffocating) makes me feel like a liar. the fact that i'm starting all new classes this week, though it's the same as every other semester of my educational career, reinforces my lifestyle of constantly fighting an uphill, unending battle that i am always wanting to escape from.
my nails are bitten, cigarettes are smoked, and confidence is shaken.

but nails grow back, more cigarettes can be purchased, and confidence can be reinstated. so, i just have to get through this week and then perhaps i'll pull my head out of my ass. but in the meantime, fuck.

not entirely giving up,
emma