happy birthday, brad flack.

i went to church for the first time in five years today. i was forced to go with the family and so i mustered up as much cleavage as i could, pulled on a black tshirt, jeans, flip-flops, and sunglasses and headed out...i didn't want to be mistaken for a churchgoer. as expected, i was aggravated by most everything they had to say- especially the part about how "nonbelievers are living in the dark and need to be shown the error of their ways and brought through joy to the lord." that's precious.

anyhow, today is Brad Flack's 21st birthday and thus far it has been one big breakdown for me. i'm trying to be strong but i was just so upset that i had to go to church- a place that is built on the foundation of the exact same ideas that certain yoonie bastards had used to justify Brad's death. at one point, they sang a hymn about how "this day is Jesus' day."...i sang happy birthday to Brad instead. because this is his day, jesus has no claim to the 23rd of december.

in addition to this, my cousins lost their Grandma two days ago. and then there's my great Uncle Marlyn who passed away about the same time Brad did- Marlyn's family is so pathetic. The Augustines are such an extreme contrast to my seemingly traditional American family. I am so upset with them for putting my Grandma through hell- she lost her brother and yet the Augustines continue to focus on how she can make their lives better. they are so selfish. but let's be honest, they are these real people living in a fantasy world that was protected and ran by Uncle Marlyn and without him, they're lost. so welcome to the real world, it sucks...a lot.

" They'll look you in the eyes and stone you
Then turn and disown you, don't you let them take the fight outta you
They'll walk all over your name 'til they find someone else to blame, don't let them take the
fight outta you
Secrets hide their lies inside hidden alibis, don't let them take the fight outta you
They put the world on a hook, it's worse every time I look
Don't let them take the fight outta you

I would rather take a punch than not give you a shot
I'd rather find out who you are than who you're not
Should have known better than to mistake business for love
Should have known better than to mistake a fist for a glove

It will be in your honor 'til you're not needed any longer, don't let them take the fight
outta you
Don't believe the headlines, check it for yourself sometimes, don't let them take the fight
outta you
The lies you live become you, the love you lose it numbs you, don't let them take the fight
outta you
They say that you've arrived but that's just a high-class bribe, don't let them take the fight
outta you

There's always someone younger, someone with more hunger, don't let them take the fight outta
you
They'll say you're the one and only
Then straight up leave you lonely, don't let them take the fight outta you
Like a transplant-patient waiting for a donor, don't let them take the fight outta you
Like a half empty balloon after a party in the corner, don't let them take the fight outta you"
-Ben Harper "Fight Outta You"

attempting to deal,
emma

coming clean

so i told my mom about my cartilage piercing. she didn't respond well but i lived to tell the story and that's better than being murdered in the middle of fashion square mall in arizona...and after everything that has been said today- i have found a new, more "thank god you're my mother" respect for my mom.
you see, there once was a girl who lived next door to me for my entire childhood and this girl, we will call her "heinous bitch", effectively ruined my childhood. maybe you're thinking to yourself "but emma, you're overreacting!" no. i am not....but i've mostly gotten over that and the truth is: it could've been even worse if it weren't for my mom. see, when i was in elementary school i would dread the first day of school every year because i was worried that heinous bitch would be in my class- and every year she would be entirely absent from my educational experience. it wasn't until i got home that heinous bitch got to, well, be a heinous bitch. and as it turns out, my mother requested that she not be in any of my classes. this comes as a great surprise to me because throughout my childhood, heinous bitch did many things and said that i had done them- which angered my mother because there was no proof that it was actually heinous bitch that drew on the walls in my room, or that it was heinous bitch who was stealing things from my brothers. and thus, a trust complex was created between my mother and i. but as it turns out, my mother did in fact acknowledge that heinous bitch was a horrible person...it's sad that i didn't know this until now.
anyhow, i just think it takes a lot of maternal instinct to ask a principal to make sure that your bestfriend's daughter isn't placed in your daughter's classes.

so i'm thankful for my mom but i must say, the umbilical cord WAS cut and my belly button is now only mine and thus, if i desire to have it pierced...why the hell can i not? just sayin'. (rant-age.)

honest(ish),
emma

some schtuff

briefly:
1) tory, my sister-in-law, totally rocks and serves as a great person to confess my sins to. it makes me so happy to know that she (as well as others) had almost the exact same experience.
2) everything at Urban Outfitters always fits me- especially the expensive items.
3) arizona is only slightly less amazing than california.
4) my dad is actually very fun.
5) the movie, August Rush, will make anyone with a soul cry.
6) i need money.
7) don't wear "Barack Obama is a Superhero" tshirts in Texas when you're alone.
8) pei wei has the best mongolian chicken.
9) i hope my mom doesn't act a fool (humor makes the situation less dooming) when i tell her about my cartilage piercing.

missing a fish & a boy,
emma

liar.

i'm having a hard time right now because i feel like the person i am and the person my mom expects me to be are at entirely opposite ends of the spectrum. my entire life they've been just about the same with only the slightest deviations from the image she imposed upon me but now- i'm just scared she's going to find me out.

a list of things my mother-figure does not know about me:
1) i have a blog (thus, i know she won't find this list)
2) i kiss boys
3) i have my cartilage pierced
4) i am getting a tattoo on my rib cage
5) i don't go to class every single day
6) i smoke products of the tobacco persuasion
7) i consume alcoholic beverages
8) i wear eyeliner, often times entirely too thick (she's strongly against the purchase & wearing of eyeliner...i don't get it.)
9) i love jet-skiing and i go whenever i can
10) i say "bad words" on a regular basis, not only when acting

there's more, of course, but these normal things would be the biggest disappointments to her.
she's the only member of my immediate family who doesn't know i have my cartilage pierced- i told my dad today. he was surprisingly okay with it and just asked if it hurt...but he also said that if/when i tell my mom he gets to act like he had no clue. you see, we're all a little scared of her.

pretending,
emma

i am the luckiest

i'm very happy with this life right now.

that is all.

thanks,
emma

what's another day

here's a concept: being a considerate, respectful person.
i love considerate, respectful persons but if you add the prefix of "in" and "dis" to those adjectives...i get so frustrated. i'm having a really hard time taking the higher road right now and being able to just "let it go." as much as i say i'm choosing to tolerate and be okay with these people in my life- i continue to be aggravated.

maybe i just need some space and time away from them but honestly, at the mention of their names i'm just flooded with contempt. which isn't good for me because that negativity is really starting to take it's toll to the point where i'm generally bitter.

luckily for me, there are so many considerate, respectful, and generally awesome persons in my life right now. so, haters, deal with it.

slightly spiteful,
emma

life in disguise

things to do before i go back to suburbia:
1. study for finals
2. type up poetry for program
3. research ADS, finish outline
4. cut new prose
5. study for another final
6. live life

monday is finals & speech day
tuesday is speech & study day
wednesday is finals & irresponsibly rejoice day
thursday is speech day
friday is fun & irresponsible day
saturday i'll be heading back to rock the suburbs (ah, ben folds) with a.rae & some other amazing friends.
but today is sunday, and so i have to study for my psych test right about now. fack.

conserving clothing,
emma

i'm a manatee!

so i very clearly have a problem...i am a stress-eater. an example: i've a lot of things to get done this evening and thus, i consumed 480 calories worth of nacho cheese bugles and a slim jim in under five minutes. yesterday life sucked balls (see previous blog for details) and i consumed an entire "big box" of mike & ikes and 32 oz. of pop within ten minutes . . . this pattern of not eating very much all day until my body breaks as my mind does is something that will inevitably lead to poor health, nutrition, and gaining lots'o'weight. therefore, i'm going to have to get my act together and quit eating like a fool.
today was significantly better than yesterday. i did have another encounter with ignorant bastards via yoonie general education but it's ok because i also spent roughly three hours with this non-ignorant, non-bastard that i've come to know and love. :) plus, the ice has mostly melted away from the yoonie sidewalks which means i didn't even sort of fall down today. which is good.

also, i've got too many reasons to be ok with life right now:
1. i'm working at an obama rally tomorrow and i'm guaranteed a photo with the senator.
2. i didn't go to a TC today.
3. the Golden Compass comes out this Friday!
4. speech party this sunday @ the DOF's.
5. i'm going back to suburbia in 11 days.
6. & i managed to waste extra time by adding an excessive amount of hyperlinks.

now i'm off to do some psychology, theatrical arts & society, oral comm, and speech work. neat.

looking forward,
emma

this day

this is the day that i wake up and know immediately that getting out of bed is the worst thing i could do. this is the day that i get out of bed, in spite of what i know, and go to class. this is the day that i leave early enough to make it to humanities but am late because i slip and fall on the ice almost immediately after i leave the dorms. this is the day that i finish my scholarship letter, knowing that i may be late to philosophy as a result. this is the day that when i arrive to philosophy, the door is locked and therefore i cannot politely "sneak" in. this is the day that my philosophy professor tells us that he has changed his mind and that we will, in fact, have a test on friday. this is the day that we discuss religious experiences in philosophy and my professor brings up the question of 'why do some people live and some people die in car accidents?' this is the day that the bastard in front of me explains that people who believe in god are significantly more likely to survive a car accident. this is the day that i miss brad and inquire why, since brad believed in god, did he die? this is the day that the aforementioned bastard tells me that 'perhaps people who die didn't do enough good things in life'. this is the day i wish i was unstable enough to stand up and yell at everyone in my philosophy class to let them know that their comfortable reasoning that allows them to believe there is a god and hope that if they ever get in an accident HE will save them is bullshit. this is the day that i leave philosophy and manage to fall once more on the ice. this is the day that i caught myself in mid-fall and after wrecking my hand on the railing, i look up to see that some guy decided to stop and watch me falling and instead of helping or asking if i was okay, he simply laughs and goes on his way. this is the day that i am forced to take the long way everywhere so that i can stay inside buildings to the best of my ability to avoid falling down again, because i'm sick and tired of falling. this is the day that car accidents are discussed in psychology and i feel physically ill. this is the day i turn in my scholarship paper after psych and, determined to make today better, i walk to lunch. this is the day that i fall once more on my way to lunch. this is the day that the dining center is all out of pancakes, i drop half of my english muffin, burn my finger on an excessively hot knife and this is the day that i break because fucking shit, i deserve to break down a little bit right now.

this is the day i wish i had never gotten out of bed.

getting through today,
emma

winter wonderland

i hate snow. i hate snow because it makes driving more difficult, it makes walking to speechy haven and/or the fancy dining center out of the question, and it cancels plans. [sad] but on the brightside, it makes spending the day curled up in pajamas, watching movies with croatia and bear significantly more acceptable. it might be lazy, but what else would we do? :) thus far, we've tackled Anchorman, Scream 1, and we just might watch Running With Scissors as well.

i'm so happy it's the weekend and i have nothing to accomplish, besides possible speech practicing, for monday. thus, i think i will continue to lay here for much of the rest of the day. roomie and her boyfriend are coming over to join us in a bit, and we'll all enjoy some egg nog and make some memories.  THAT sounds like a good time to me. 

cozy,

emma